"Thats how I learned to hold back all feeling"

I'm not one to show my true emotions and soon you'll see why.

I was once very soft and to learn very quickly to be hard. 

I cried about every little thing, and was often scolded for it.

So I learned how to push my emotions aside, and just do what I was told.

I learned how to silence my tears untill I was alone.

I learned to scream when no one was home.

I learned how to keep things to myself.

I learned how to not show my emotion on the outside.

And i learned how to become numb.

Numb to the happiness, numb to the pain.

Numb to the kindness, numb to the shame.

Untill, over time, I was nothing but numb.

Forced to violence, just so I can feel again.

And now you  know why I hold back all feeling.

Why I hide my make-up smeared eyes.  

Now go tell everyone, I don't care.

Tell everyone that I'm a heartless bitch that dosen't feel. 

Just remember me.

Amd know that when I'm gone,

you'll be one of the reasons why.

They Knew To Little

She wakes up every mourning, and puts a fake smile on her face.
She goes to school and on lives through a masqurade.
They all think she's the happiest person that ever lived.
But when she gets home, she tucks the smile away and pulls the razor out.
And with the razor comes the sorrow and the pain that she hides so well.
Everyday it's the same.
The blood always follows the plastered on smiles, that no one can see past.
But one day she cut to deep, and bleed to death on the bathroom floor.
They could have saved her, but that's one mistake they'll never be able to take back.
They knew to little, and for that she payed the price.
Never to live a full and plentafull life.
So let this be a warning, to those who are blind.
That there is always more to a person, then whats on the outside.

You Assume

You assume that Im lazy

You assume that all I do is eat

You assume that i know every single thing

that happens in this house of ours.

You asume that Im happy

You assume that my life is perfectly fine.

But you shouldn't assume such things about you own daughter.

Because it's a very hard habbit to break.

You yell and scream and assume and judge.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe you were wrong?

Im not lazy, and i barely even eat.

I don't have the time or the skill it takes to know where

everything goes or what everyone does.

Im nor all that happy and my life is going down the drain.

Youve put me through my own personal hell.

But still you assume.

A Million Tiny Fractures

A million fractures that I can see,
are just a million fractures that they cannot.

The rain falls from the fractures in my heart,

drenching everything in tears.

A flower grows from those tears,

proud and strong from these tears of pain,

from the fractures in my heart.

The fractures will eventually heal and turn hard.

My heart will turn crystal, diamond in fact.

Never to let anyone in,

and to think that this all started

from just a million fractures 

that they just could not see.

They Refuse

My heart is breaking right before my eyes,

Yet they refuse to see.

My screams are ringing off these hollow walls in there ears,

Yet they refuse to hear.

The blood from my arms bleeds into there open mouths,

Yet theu refuse to taste.

Im reaching out and trying to grab ahold of there hands,

But they refuse to feel.

Im trrying to save myself,

But they refuse to help.

Playground Fun

Alone, thats what I am.
Alone like the lonely playground swings,
skweaking in the wind.

Mistreated, thats what I am.

Mistreated like the abused playground slide,

being climed up instead of slide down.

Dangerous, thats what I am.

Dangerous like the silly monkey bars,

that just dare people to fall.

Solitary, thats what I am.

Solitary like the single tree,

that seems to have grown out of nowhere.

That's me, thats who I am.

That is me crying my silent,deadly tears.

While sitting under my favorite tree,

in that big abandoned playground.

Where no one can see me,

slowly falling to peices.



They Turn There Heads

Turning there heads, away from

the obvious.

Turning there heads, away from

the pain of others.

Turning there heads, away from

anything other than them.

They don't want to see, so they don't.

People today do not want to believe, that

 there are people out there suffering worse than them

They turn there heads away from the

people in pain, the peope that are suffering

They make them shove that pain and suffering aside

and focus on them

They turn there heads, and close there eyes

to blockout the desprate crys for help

They turn there heads,
and become blind.

For Meaghan

She can paint a lovely picture, but this story has a twist. Her paint brush is a razor, and her canvas is her wrist. Not all scars show, and not all wounds heal, and sometimes you can't see the pain that someone feels. Just because she comes off strong, dosent mean she dosen't fall asleep crying. Even though she says shes OK, maybe shes just really good at lying. Emotionally, she's done. Meantaly, shes drained. Spirtually, she feels dead. And yet, physically, she smiles. Because it's much easier to fake a smile then explain how she really feels inside. You will never see her pain. You will never see that she's sick of trying, done with crying. No more joy. No more sadness. No emotion, only madness. She can't see, she can't feel, she can't touch, she can't heal. She feels like fallings the only option. But If looking forward scares you and looking back hurts; look beside you. I'll always be there, holding your hand through everything. When the world walks out. I'll still be here, I'll still love you to pieces, and I'll always stand by you. That's why I'm here, we are friends for a reason.What I can't do is take away all your problems.  What I can do is make sure you don't go threw them alone. <3 

Spiralling

Spiralling

 d  d  d 

      o  o  o

             w  w  w

                  n   n   n.

Down to the fatal black eternity that is my soul.
Everything is not as it should be.
I should not be the way I am.
He should not be suicidal.
You two should not be fighting again.
They should not be so ignorant.
Why can't anything in my world be OK?
At least every one in a while?
Why does everything always have to be so wrong?
I don't know.
The only thing that is for-real,
that is for-sure,
is that I am spiralling
d d d

     o o o 

           w w w 

             n n n 

and I will not be able to get back backup.

  nor is anyone going to catch me.

            

They Say

They say it's a lie,

They say it's a joke,

Why can't anybody see past this cloak?

This cloak of invisibility,

cloak of silence,

cloak of tears,

all shed when it was quiet.

When will they learn this isn't the real me?

They say that I lie,

They say that I'm a joke,

but when I finally take off this cloak,

They will learn, they will see

all of this pain bottled up

inside of me.

And maybe,just maybe,

they will all learn

to see, that everything

is not always

as it seems. 

A.L.O.N.E.

A.L.O.N.E. stands for,

A: a never ending pain

L: lonesome, teary nights

O: outcast from everyone else

N: no one to understand

E: everyone to disappear

A.L.O.N.E.

I am A.L.O.N.E.

I Pretend

I pretend not to see

I pretend not to hear

you two yell into the night,

and I pretend that I don't care.

I pretend not to care about the things

 that you say behind my back.

I pretend that they can call me names,

and it doesn't change a thing about how I feel.

I pretend to be happy.

I pretend to be happy so that

you don't worry about me.

I pretend to be strong 

so that you can draw from that strength

I pretend to be....

someone completely different then me.

When will you ever learn?

When will you ever see?

That this really isn't the true me?

When will you learn,

that I just pretend to be? 

Im not OK, Im Just A Really Good Actress

"Hey, how are you?" :D

"I'm Good" :)

"That's great, I've been amazing. OMG you'll never guess what happened between John and me last night!!!" :D 

"OMG What?!?!?!?" :O 

"Well....." :D

*Sigh* Oh if only you knew, I don't give a damn about what happened to you last night. Truth is, I simply don't have the time for your petty little problems,  when I have my own bigger, more important, ones haunting me where ever I go. You don't know this though and I can't be mad at you for this, since no one does. And no one knows this because I'm happy, optimistic Monica without a care in the world. Well, I'm not. I am not OK, I'm just a really good actress. I can go around and pretend to care, pretend to laugh, pretend to smile. I can go around and lie to you with my eyes. No one wants to see past that first layer of skin, no one wants to see the real, shattered, broken me. And that's "OK" because I really don't want to see her ether.

 

Hamster Wheels

My mind is like a hamster wheel,

always running, running, running

but never getting anywhere.

No matter how long or hard I run

I can never seem to get to where

I need to be.

I am stuck, never moving forward.

I am stuck in one place for the rest

of my pitiful existence.

Just like mu mind is running on a

hamster wheel.



Clumsy Me

My life has always been clumsy, never stable, never sound. There has always been something horribly wrong waiting around the next corner. First money, then pain. Followed by fear and loss. Will it never end? Tripping, falling stumbling, never on solid ground. Dropping down, down, down. Always tumbling down. A clumsy life of both body and mind. I try ever so hard to be graceful but I always fall.

Falling

     F                F              F      hopelessly    F      apart.       
A                A                A                            A

      L                 L                 L                            L

           L                 L                 L                            L

               I                  I                   I                             I

                     N                 N                 N                           N

                            G                  G                 G                           G

Tripping over my words when i have to say goodbye. Look around, everything is not as it seems.  Im, not happy, I am alone. I am not fearless, I am   

 F          F          A

    A          A          P

        L          L          A

            L          L          R

                I           I           T

                   N          N          .

              G          G

Broken Hearted

My Heart has died.... 

It has been dead for a while now, but no one has noticed. 

It has been broken and smashed into a million tiny pieces 

that I will never be able to put back together again. 

I will never again be completely whole again. 

My heart will never be restored to life.

No Escape

Escape, there is no escape. Not from the pain, not from the problems, not from the tears. There is no release, no possible escape from these heavy burdens of mine. There is no sign of it ever coming to an end, none what-so-ever. They just keep putting the weight of the world on my fragile shoulders over and over again. And I always fall down, but they just keep pilling it on. one of these days I will fall down and I wont be able to get back up. Escape there is No Escape.

Raindrops and Roses

Raindrops and Roses are my life. Raindrops and Roses are the very essence of me. whenever you see  Raindrops, you are watching  my silent tears that seem to fall endlessly from my eyes that have yet to run dry. Roses are what i am on the outside. they are not the real me. Roses are beautiful, strong, confident, the true essence of romance. Me, well I am not. I am not strong I falter under the tiniest things. I am not confident at all and I've never even been kissed. Raindrops are me, plain and simple. and I've come to accept that simple fact. But secretly I wish that I  was a Rose, and if anyone asks, I love being the Rain. but if you, yes you the one reading this poem, ever see me please I have one request to ask of you. help me, please.

Driving by

Driving by in the fall and seeing the houses of the less fortunate

and realizing how lucky i really am.

Driving by in the spring and seeing the houses of the wealthier then I

and i start to dream about what could never be.

Driving by in the summer and seeing the trees,

beautiful and full of gorgeous leaves.

Driving by in the winter and finding beauty

in the baren lifeless trees all around.

Driving by and finding the real me.

Takeing A Break

"Me and your mother have decided that we are going to take a break from parenting for a while, but we will still whoop ass if we have too"

*in my head*

So your taking an official "break" huh that statements a little late. i figured you were "taking a break" from the first time you never came home.  you've put us though a lot, me and Cory. I've aged so much were I'm not even a teenager anymore. And sure I can take care of myself but what about Cory? A ten year old who desperately needs his mom and dad? You've left him with no other choice but to look to me as a mother. Have you even put any thought into this decision of yours? I'm already depressed this is just going to worsen it. Cory already wants to run away and where will you be when I can't stop him? Definitely not here. So go ahead stop parenting"for a while" go around and act like a teenager again but don't be surprised when you "out of nowhere" lose one of us> Because with those words you sealed the deal

 *back in the real world*

"O.K."

Ignorance

From a very young age we are taught not to worry about anything, that the world is perfect, and everything will be always turn out right. As we grow up we very slowly realize that everything that we were taught to believe in was a lie. We learn that the world is full of crap, and we learn that if we aren't concerned or worried about something chances are nobody else will. And finally, the grand finale, the biggest lie of all time. EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS TURN OUT RIGHT.Well guess what it doesn'twe don't always get the help we need or the love we deserve and sometimes the bad guys get away. and maybe this wouldn't traumatize as many people if everyone was honest from the get-go.If everyone didn't sugarcoat everything but who knows maybe that small time frame when our life was full of ignorance is really bliss. But who the hell knows, certainly not me because I practically skipped that small window of opportunity. Why did I have to grow up so fast?

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect

I dont know

I dont know what to do

I dont know what to think

I dont know if what I feel is right

I just dont know

I dont know wether or not to keep doing this or not
I dont know what to do about my thoughts
I dont know if I should like you the way that i do
I just dont know
I dont know 

Blank

blank, i am blank

i have nothing to say or do

nothing to live for

well, maybe one thing

maybe that person is you

you fill me with happiness

not the kind that i pretend to have

real, true happiness

you make me laugh

really laugh not the one i force

you make me smile

and its not the one i fake

you make me feel better when I'm sad

which all of the time now

i think i love you but I'm not quite sure

blank, i am blank....

but not around you

senses

nothing, its all around me. i hear nothing, i smell nothing, i taste nothing and nobody sees me. the only thing that i can feel is loneliness and pain,. i don't know what to do. silence is all around me, even though no one is. invisibility, i sit here with people next to me yet i am alone. tasteless, i have never tasted a kiss from someone who loves me and probably never will. nothing comes close enough for me to touch or smell. Pain and suffering surround me, they are the only things i feel. i am nothing.

I fall apart

i never know what to do because I'm always in the dark

i need someone to help me find the light because

every now and then i become as lonely as a ghost

every now and then i get a little bit terrified that the best times of my life have passed me by

without even saying goodbye

every now and then i need someone to help me hold myself together

to tell me that everything is going to be alright

every now and then i become tired of listening to the sound of my tears

every now and then i want someone to take away the pain

every now and then i  just fall apart

every now and then i become a little bit helpless and your never here to help me survive

every now and then i know that i have to getaway from everyone so that i can cry

i never know what to do because I'm always in the dark

i need someone to help me find the light because

every now and then i fall apart



anouther one of my own drawings



Why?

                                 

Why?

Its a never ending question.

Why is everybody blind?

Why am i always alone?

Why?

Everybody asks it.

Why did you leave me?

Why did I let you go?

Why I want this question to go away.

Why do  I cut myself?

Why do I cry myself to sleep?

   Please tell me why?

Blindness

blindness, its a very common disease

even people who can "see" can catch it

I know this because no one can see me dress darker every day

no one can see the way i always hide my arms from view

everyone is blind to people like me

an outcast

i wonder when they'll finally open there eyes?

and see that there are other people who are struggling in this world

besides them?

i don't think they ever will though

because they are blind.

Life & Death

"Death is peacefull, easy. Life is harder."

-Bella, Twilight

Death is a beautiful thing.

It can be easy and peacefully

or it can be hard and painful.

Life is much much harder

with all its complications,

it's a b*tch

So come let go with me

we'll enter into the peaceful

oblivion of death

together, forever.

Secretly Dieing

I am secretly dieing inside,

and for a number of reasons to.

1. is because i am invisible
2. is because i am alone
3. is because the darkness is consuming me and
4. is because my world is falling to pieces

i endure this daily pain,

that will not dissipate.

this darkness that is spreading,

doubles my pain

which makes my secret death slow

i am invisible, i am alone

which also plays a part in my secret murder.

i am secretly dieing

goodbye...

Darkness

Darkness is what burns in my soul,

I wish it would go away.

Darkness is what is takeing over my life,

I will it to go away.

Darkness is part of whats killing me inside,

I want it to go far away,

and stay there....

Writing

Writing, writing, writing,
into the middle of the night.
i can not stop writing.
what is wrong with me?
why do these ideas keep pouring out of my hand,
like the the rain from clouds after a long drought?
i suppose its a good thing though, to write....
But i need my sleep,
my precious sleep that i not so often posesse. 
instead i just lay here,
writing, writing, writing
into the depths of the blackest 
of all nights.

Sleep

Sleep, Sleep intoxicating sleep,

I need you desperately.

Why have you taken such a long vacation from me?

You've been away from me for so long,

even my nightmares have become  reality.

Please sleep, come back to me.
deeep, sweet, intoxicating sleep

I long for you

but, more than likely,

will never have you
       *sleep*

My despair

my despair, it worsens over time.

it grows, festers, and infects the deepest parts of my soul,

and refuses to loosen its grip.

Why can't it just go away?

I long to be happy again,

to put this pain and suffering

far,far,far behind me.

Please despair, just go away.

Your turning me into an outcast,

causing me to be invisible.

Please despair, your

slowly.....

 painfully....

                                                                            killing....
                                                                              me...                                                                       

Black Veil Brides

ok so I recentlly discovered this band, its called Black Veil Brides.They are a rock band with an insanley hot lead singer named Andy Six (see  picture on the left ;) ).I really like there music for the fact that they sing about the difficulties us teenagers have to face every day (exp. teasing, "love", desperation, and things like that).they recently released a new album called We Stich These Wounds.Which includes songs like The Morticians Daughter, Never Give In, Carolyn, Heaven's Calling and Knives and Pens.Out of these songs my personal favorites are Knives and Pens, the Morticians Daughter, and Never Give In.

nothing good ever lasts

one of my own drawings

What is this?

Its wonderful

Wait! I hear laughter

Who is laughing?

Oh my gosh its me!

I cant believe this!

I haven't laughed in ages!
It's the best feeling in the world,
Laughter.
Wait! Whats happening!

Oh No, It's Slipping! 

It's Slipping though my bear hands!

Come Back!

I need you!

It's gone....

Now that I know what it feels like to be truly happy,

I'll never be the same again.

My pain will worsen,

Because I'll always want what i can't have,

True Happiness.

Never Will

i doodled this in science class one day
i think it describes me well....

I cry and no one sees,

They think it's

Inconsequential,

The reason there falling is,

Fear

But because of them,

A secret beauty is

Dieing

trying to break

Free

But it never will.

This Pain

This pain is what keeps me sain....

               alive even,

        i know i shouldn't be

     doing this thing to myself

         but its the only thing

     that makes everything else

                disappear

  even if just for a few seconds.....

             no put it down,

            just put it down! 

i have to stop doing this to myself....

      what if someone notices? 

           what if they see?

          who i really am......

            ill be all alone,

  even lonelier than i am now...

       i cant do this anymore. 

            i have to stop,

               just stop!

but this pain just  feels so good,

         i cant help myself,

           here i go again, 

         i put it to my wrist, 

     the pain shoots through, 

            for a moment 

     i forget why my life is so 

             miserable...

             its......gone,

          the pain is gone,

       ill be back again soon,

          having this same

          argument with

              myself.....

    but good will never win,

    this pain will take over,

             this pain

    will be my only friend.